Yep, once again its WAY too late and I'm soaking up the silence that surrounds me. Unless you count the hardworking Hubby snoring beside me and the shameless (but annoyingly cute) Puggle at the foot of my bed licking himself, noise. I'm more than happy to block it out as that kind of noise is more comforting than annoying. I guess you could say its one of my favorite times of day. When my little nest has all of its chickens in it safely, all is right with the world and I can just relax and BREATHE.
I have SO much going on in my head lately and I'm so busy with the kids and house during the day that I sometimes feel like I'm under water and I can see the top, but I just cant reach it yet. Ya know, that feeling you got when you were a kid and you dove down to touch the bottom of the pool and on the way back up you think maybe you might not make it to the top to get that breath of air you so desperately need. Yah, that's the one I'm talking about.
The thing is, that this feeling of being stuck under water has pretty much (at times) followed me around my whole life. It wasn't until this journey Ive been on last couple of years, and loosing two of the most influential people in my life this past year, that I became DETERMINED to not let myself feel that way anymore. I have such a new found meaning of what life really is here for...To Live It!! Its like someone turned on a light switch of all that life has to offer. I have ONE life that God has blessed me to live. It would be kinda sad if I just spent it feeling like the kid that couldn't reach the top of the pool.
Sometimes I will start to daydream during the day about a goal I would like to reach or a new project I think I want to tackle and then I find myself diverting all my attention to something the kids are doing or by trying to be helpful to someone else. Ive come to realize my constant need to take care of and feel needed by others might just be that little feeling sneaking up on me again. That, "maybe I'm not capable enough feeling". It wasn't until recently that I really realized how scared I was to be mE. If I set a goal on something I'd like to do or try then Id actually have to be held accountable for it. What if I failed???!!!
The old mE would be so scare of failing that i was always too afraid to take a chance. The new mE, not so (OK, maybe a little) sacred anymore. Who cares if I try and I fail? Isn't that what life's about? What message am I sending my kids if I cant be the person that I'm trying to raise them to be.If you want something you have to reach for something before you get it, right? I have a new picture of the way life can be. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed and stressed. In the end, the "real" end, none of the stuff that I feel so stressed and overwhelmed about will really matter.
What really matters in the "end" is the mark we leave on the people we love. The mark the was left on me by my lost loved ones has changed me forever. Watching someone in the last stages of their life is so very humbling. In their honor and with them watching over me I'm ready to slow down, soak it up, breathe, and take life's journey of being the best mE.
So, I cant get it ALL done in a day, or even a week. But I can start, and that's the first step in the right direction. I get to do it surrounded by the loves of my life and I get the privilege of being here to do it. I think I have all that I need to make it to the top of the pool 1000x over.
But for now...I'm sleepy and my house is still peaceful and full of my favorite sounds of "mE" time so I think I'll just BREATHE :)
E
xoxo
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